and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
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I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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