you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
