My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
