I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
