There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
