oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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