I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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