just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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