Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
