We're facebook friends in real life
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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