if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
