Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I love you.
Bad choice
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
