My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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