Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
