I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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