: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
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No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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