I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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