one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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