I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
