Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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