last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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