not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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