You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
