You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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