I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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