Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
