i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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