I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
