Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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