I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?