drinking out of a sandbucket again
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY