Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
