Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
