I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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