so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
