the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
