ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
