You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
