I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
