Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
