drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
