yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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