I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???