We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I yelled at your uterus for you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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