Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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