I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
