I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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