so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
