i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
