You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
