worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
