You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
