She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
