not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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