did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
