I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
